The Big Five

This post has a different meaning than the other posts. I felt the need for some levity, so I decided to have a comedic, laugh-out loud post in this one. The question that you have is, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS The Big Five? For a brief amount of time, I have been thinking about the days when I was a kid. Of course, when people move on over time they change, but when you're a kid, you're a kid. Now, The Big Five are the "five things that I thought were cool as a kid that I think are dumb right now." Stop right there. Hopefully, there is some excitement running through your mind right now. Oh wow, I wonder what he has in store for this. Here's another question. Have you, the reader, ever pondered this thought yourself? Well, the qualifications for The Big Five were just things that I have recalled over time that in my younger years I adored, and presently I laugh at, uncontrollably. There are of course, some things that did not make the list. I will start off with The Honorable Mentions.

The Honorable Mentions are parts of my childhood that although there may be a sufficient amount of stupidity in them, I am not embarrased to say that they were a part of my life sometime ago. I don't know if these deserve a Silver or a Bronze Medal, but either way it probably doesn't matter. Now, I shall name them off, and I will choose one of them as the Grand Consolation Victor. Because March Madness is going on right now, I guess that this will be like the NIT. A bunch of characters not good enough for the thing that everybody REALLY cares about, but hey, the winner is after all the winner. So the nominees for the Grand Consolation Victor are..........

Power Rangers
"After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer earth!" Yep. Some of you probably remember hearing Rita say those words at the beginning of every single silly show in the intro. Maybe most of you only remember the constant, senseless fighting. Especially with those clay goober men who never spoke. What were those guys called? I'm going to look it up on Wikipedia right now.....(five minutes later).....Putty Patrollers?! That's what they were called? Seriously, I don't remember that. It's just been too long since I have watched that classical tv show. The reason why this is in the NIT, sorry The Honorable Mentions and not The Big Five is because I still love the Power Rangers. I have their theme song on my Ipod. And the truth is that for those of you in my age group, chances are you watched it too. And you liked it. Moving along.

The Spice Girls
"Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really really want." Okay that's enough. I first feasted my eyes (and of course, my ears) on the Spice Girls when they performed on Saturday Night Live. I just looked online to find out that that was in 1997. Of course I bought their cd after watching them perform, and I have been a fan of their, uhh music ever since. I actually do still listen to wannabe and Say you'll be there. Should I feel guilty for listening to this team of vocal talent? I don't know. But since I don't feel too bad about it, it's only an Honorable Mention.

Stretch Arm Strong
I never actually owned one as a kid, I just thought they looked cool.

Tether Ball
During recess when I was a kid, this was an optional activity to do. Sometimes I did try it out. Here's my question. How do you win? This was a bad idea from the start.

The movie Robin Hood with Kevin Costner
If I recall, I did manage to see this film in theaters. You have to understand. I was OBSESSED with this movie as a kid. I probably watched it 100 times. I even remember one time when I had to go to bed, and my older brother didn't, I got mad because he was watching it because I was missing out.

And the winner is........(maestro).........


Power Rangers!!!!!
You know how in the Oscars when someone wins the award for whatever work they did for whatever movie it was, the orchestra ALWAYS plays the theme song for that movie as they walk towards the podium? I guess that if anyone who worked for the Power Rangers tv show is seeing this they should play the theme song over and over and over as they walk to Cedar Falls, IA to my apartment so that I can give them the award. Or, maybe not. Here's my question to you. Did you really expect it to be anything else? Now, remember, I am not embarrased to say that I liked Power Rangers as a kid. That's why it's not eligible for the Big Five. But I do admit that it's dumb. Now onto the Big Five!!!!!!!!!

All right, let's just get right to it. I'll mention them and then I'll select the winner. The nominees are.....

Bowl cuts
I have no doubt that you all remember these. The truth is that I saw kids with these EVERYWHERE!!! ALL THE TIME!!! They looked ridiculous. I don't remember ever getting one, but as a kid I was probably toying with the idea since they were so common. What a bunch of gangsters. One thing that comes to mind about this is the famous saying from the cop in the movie Dumb and Dumber. "Come on give me that booze you pumpkin pie hair cutted freak!" No, he did not have a bowl cut, but it's almost as bad. Moving along.

Pogs
These circular pieces of garbage (POG's) have the word DUMB written all over them. And I loved them as a kid. I remember they were referenced in the movie Jack with Robin Williams. He (a ten year old) is arrested and his pogs and slammer were confiscated. Unless if I'm mistaken the intent of this activity was to hit a stack of pogs with the slammer to cause as many of the pogs to do a one hundred eighty degree turn in mid air to land on the floor thereby those are yours. Definitely, a bad idea to start with, but it sure did sell. I feel like I should look in the mirror now and ask myself, WWHHYY!?!?!? Moving along.

The Macarena
Shoulder blades, neck, hips, hips, shake your hips, and then rotate your entire body ninety degrees to your left. I don't get it. I remember that I was first introduced to this dance in seventh grade. My Mom even warned me that this dance was not going to stay popular for too long. I asked myself why.

Jnco's
What else do I have to say? These things were dumb. Unless, for some reason you need to sneak a briefcase into school, you had no need to wear one of these. Here's the worst part about it. I was thinking about getting some, and I was actually thinking about working out so much as a kid that they were going to fit me, because my legs would be that big. I don't think that I could have made my legs that big if I had simultaneously poked every single artery in my legs with a pin. Do legs have arteries? Anyways, I thought that they were cool because it would be cool to have legs big enough to need to wear those gangster garments. I am ashamed.

Super Soakers
When I was a kid, I was always interested in what the highest Super Soaker there was available. Super Soaker 3000? Forget that, Super Soaker 5000 is there right next to it. I really did like those things as a kid. And, yes, they were dumb. They always ran out of water. I recall that one function that I did use them for was to water the trees. Kind of like how a cd of the Spice Girls would make a good coaster for drinks. Hey, they're good for something.

And the Winner is.........


Jnco's!!!!!
They were dumb. And I admired them as a kid. Shame on me. No, shame on the individual who Ryan Larson was at that time. Good grief.

Well, there you have it. For those of you who took the time to read all of this, you have a very important task ahead of you right now. You yourself must choose your own The Big Five as soon as possible. This has been a lot of fun for me to tell you what the Big Five are. Let me give you an idea of how much fun it has been. Let's say that there's this little kid named Edward. Edward is outside with a super soaker in his right hand. Of course, in his left hand he has a slammer with a stack of pogs. As you might have guessed, Edward has a bowl cut. Edward is also wearing Jnco's and yes, you'd better believe it, Edward is doing the Macarena!!! I guess that Edward is standing up while doing all of this. Man, this kid Edward is a good multi-tasker isn't he? So, let's recap. Edward has a bowl cut hairdo, a water gun in his right hand, a slammer in his left hand, and he's doing the macarena in his Jnco's. I have had more fun making this list than Edward. We all know that Edward is having a blast right now, but if you can trust me, yes I had more fun making this list than the amount of fun that Edward is having right now. Because what is the only thing more enjoyable than having The Big Five all at once as a kid? The answer to that is, of course, making fun of that kid. So, I ask that all of you go out, now, and choose your The Big Five. Enjoy.
Amen.